Current mood:

crushed

Maybe I'll post this on myspace
I never seem to know when you’re lying and when you’re telling the truth. I never seem to know when you are being sincere or when you are just doing it to look better. Everything with you is me second guessing myself and knowing that I am just putting myself out there for more heartache. I do it every time, time and time again. Every time I do it, you say something that just makes my skin crawl; it just makes me so mad. Maybe I am not as good of a person, because I can’t take the advice of, “Just learn to ignore it and let it role off of you.”

I can’t. I won’t. You blame her for everything and anything you possibly can. And even if everything you say is 100% true, you still had a choice. You had a vehicle and you had a phone. You have a voice and you made the choice of no contact. You cannot lie that at her feet, even if she has been lying to me, she cannot make those choices that were for you and you alone.

You say it took you years to forgive her choice, but you will never forgive her for not telling us. There are things I cannot forgive either.

I cannot forgive that you were never there for a single birthday or any other event of my life.
I cannot forgive you not being there most of my life and not being able to own up to it.
I cannot forgive that when I finally had the courage to ask you why, all you did was lie.
I cannot forgive that all you can do is bad mouth her, “I wouldn’t piss on her if she was in hell on fire”
I cannot forgive you going to “testify of God” and thank him for this second chance that you threw away.
I cannot forgive that you couldn’t come see me because of “where that bitch lives.”
I cannot forgive you taking me to IHOP and breaking up with me like I am some meaningless fling, maybe you’d hope I wouldn’t make a scene.
I cannot forgive that I wasn’t worth a phone call this year for my birthday to find out if I had cancer.
I cannot forgive that I have spent my entire life wishing you’d love me.
I cannot forgive that I was always out of sight and out of mind.
I cannot forgive that you chose replacements for what you had naturally.
I cannot forgive that all of this has done nothing but make me feel worthless.

There will always be things in life that a person cannot learn to let go of. I tried yesterday, but you spit in my face when you couldn’t let go of the past. You always have to blame someone else.

I will always love you, no matter what. And I am sure I will open myself up for more heartache. But I will do my best to try to love you from afar, where it’s safe.